Some night rants

"I know some young sisters who spend a ridiculous amount on fake hair, to impress fake people and to feel better about themselves in a fake society" - chakabars's instagram's caption

I started using makeup as a basic routine when i was in my 2nd semester of college. I'm majoring in communication, i learned that looking neat is one of many ways to persuade people to hear what you're saying. And the last two half years i tried to convince myself that when i put my makeup on, it means i love my body so i try to look "good", not that i hate my body so i try to look "good". But slowly it gets me to the point where i'm not pleased with my bare face, and it scares me. I don't even wanna go out without putting something (or some things) on my face.

On the other side, i hate the fact that when you were born as a female, the society told you that a woman's crown is her hair. Then they manipulate the standard of beauty, the standard of the "perfect" hair. Yet, i'm not pleased with my natural hair.

Gosh, i wish i'm brave and confident.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / 

Anyway, a few of my friends asked me about some beauty products that i used, so here you go. All of the products mostly under 200k and you can find 'em easily in the drugstore

Moisturizer - The body shop shiso UV protector
CC Cream - Hadalabo CC cream (medium shade)
Powder - Revlon touch & glow extra moisturizing face powder (translucent 1)
Blush - Maybeline cheeky glow (fresh coral)

Lipbalm - Moogoo tingling honey lipbalm (its organic! yay!)
Lipstick - Revlon super lustrous lipstick (love that pink)

Unbranded lash curler
Mascara - Maybeline hyper curl volum express
Brow - Silky girl duo eyeshadow (16 mocha latte) *i'm quite fine with my brow so usually i just fill them in with the dark colour of this eyeshadow using an eyebrow brush.

The Tribute


*this post is created using bahasa*

The tribute to Sujiwo Tejo & Djena Maesa Ayu.

severe destruction


There are bunch of pictures, and I had a hard time to pick some good ones. 
There are many things I want to say, and I had a hard time to put it in words. 
So here you go. 
Enjoy this post.

a letter for my 29-year-old-self


A bunch of narcissistic pictures of me taken by Monicha

First thing first, it scares me that next year I’m going to be 20 years old. I think I’m not ready for it, but isn’t everybody the same? Last year when I turned 18 I made a letter for 28 year-old-self, this year I was thinking about making another letter. I always wonder if my future-self will be so much different with my present-self, will I still have this way of thinking like what I have right now? Will I judge my teenage-self silly and dumb? This letter basically ask my future-self whether I'm still the same or no.

There you go, I know the last post here is like months ago. I recently completed an internship in one of my favourite magazine as a copywriter. And at this moment of my life, I realize that now I have no idea what I wanna be. Before, I always want to work in a magazine industry, but the thing is after the internship I have this though like "can you survive the hectic deadline? the overtime? what about the fussy clients?". Dammit its tough.  

how much do i worth?


Since early February this year, I took Mass Communication class and Digital Media class. And I think those classes took a part in changing the way I see the media right now, especially the new-media.

I'm might be not the master of those subjects but here is what I'm sure of, do you remember the protest against SOPA-PIPA in the U.S? or The Malala Fund? or  the Arab Spring in the Middle East? or even how Obama win the election? It all happened thanks to the internet. (Speaking about SOPA-PIPA, you guys have to watch a documentary movie, The Internet's Own Boy!!!)

But on the other side ,thanks to the internet, we ironically measured our worth and value by the number of followers we have or the amount of people who retweets our tweet or the number of likes we get for our selfie? How can we put the 'price tag' on ourself of how much our worth is. It scares me how I am right now still have this anxious feeling when I post a picture on my instagram’s feed because I’m afraid no one will ‘like’ it. Well, there are common modern ilnesses these days named FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out), FONL (Fear Of No Likes), or FOFR (Fear Of Facebook Rejection. At night I often think that if this world right now quiet scares me, then what kind of world that my grandchildren will lived...

10 Things I'll Tell My Future Kids About Living Alone


It's almost a year since i moving out from home for college. Its 4-hour driving from my home to where i'm staying right now. So far, living alone is such a nice experience for me, i learned so much from this. and here are the things that i've learned and will tell my future kids when they're moving out too...

1. Management skill is the key. I learned it the hard way. Woke up late because stayed up late the night before since i always doing the assignment the day before it's deadline, skipped breakfast because i woke up late, had unhealthy instant noodle for dinner for 3 days in row because i run out of money before its time, had a blackout since i forgot to pay the electricity, its all i think happens because i've a bad management skill. So yeah, you really have to work really hard on it.

2. Its okay to save some money, but prioritize your health. Its a classic scenario when you're living alone and run out of money, the cheaper the food is the better. There is this famous 'franchise' food stall in Indonesia called Warteg, where you can get a lot of food with a very low price. The price is low because it's not really that hygienic, but its yummy though that's why its everyone's favourite. The thing is if you eat in warteg continously for the whole week , i guarantee you that you can save a lot of money but you'll end up getting diarrhea for sure. It happened to a lot of my friends, and they skipped class because of this. 

3. Put your shoes inside and careful with your clothes horse. I don't know where you live, but in Indonesia especially in a densely populated area, if you're not careful someone can really steal your shoes or your washed clothes that hung in the clothesline. 

4. Clean your room if you don't wanna get sick. Living alone means you have none around telling you what to do, your mom won't yell at you if don't clean your room because she isn't there so she doesn't know. But seriously man if you don't wanna end up having tuberculosis, you better clean up your room. Harmful bacteria usually grow in gross places.

5. Don't buy refrigerator, if you've no money to buy the food. It feels sad you know when you have a refrigerator but its empty with nothing you can eat, i think it might turn out to be a bookcase :"(

6. Don't buy books, if you've no time to read it. Yep, just don't kids. 

7. Don't open the door for strangers. I have this weird storyline happens in my head if stranger break in to my room with a gun because i stupidly open the door without checking who knocks it.

8. The more underwear you have, the better. I believe you're smart enough to know why ;)

9. You have a lot of spare time, so do something. I think its not the perks of living alone, but the perks of going to college haha. I realise that i have a lot of spare time rather than when i was in high school. Even when you have full classes and actively involved in campus activities, you still have spare time. I also realise that going out and exploring new places with friends can be fun but also can be money-consuming, so sometimes i prefer to just stay in my room. I started to learn new things, I learn to play guitar (which i'm addicted to it now), i learn knitting, i learn how to compose a song using fruity loops, and i learn them all from the internet so it takes no money haha. And i'm currently saving my money to buy a harmonica!

10. Always tell someone where you're going. It could be your friends, roommate, or your parents. Make sure that someone knows where on earth are you, because you don't wanna cut your own hand and drink your own pee like James Franco in 127 hours right?

(Society Ripped Us)


*representative video from my personal babble*

I think society ripped us
They judge the way you see things
They force you to listen to their unlogic norms
They judge the way you create things
They judge you if you wear makeup, 
but they also judge you if you don't
They judge your hair
They judge your skin color
They still judge you whether you're white, black, or yellow
They told you how to pose
They told you how to smile
But its up to you,
to give a f*ck or no

Bogor, 15th May 2015

too cool for this



Its Thursday and I wrote you a poem. Just because. Currently feeling kinda stuck and fed up with routine. Also my guitar's string being such an arse and just slack off. So yeah,

"Too Cool For This"

took the bus
no need to rush
no remorse
we suppose
it starts from the eyes
put some ice,
never giggles
she dances
virtuously effortless

and she won't stop.

---- // ----

That stunning black dress on the picture is from Zalora. Zalora is the largest and fastest growing fashion-focused online shopping website in Southeast Asia that provides various kinds of fashion needs. And I think Zalora has so many superb dress especialy for their party dress, go check 'em out!



Kadang saya suka bingung dengan perempuan.

Suka aneh.

Menuntut kesetaraan gender, tapi ingin diperlakukan spesial.

Pengen setara, tapi gamau capek.

Gamau panas-panasan.

Gamau bawa barang berat.

Tapi tiap tanggal 21 april teriak-teriak nuntut gender equality di medsos.

Maunya apa?

Menurut saya,

Emansipasi tidak akan pernah terjadi selama "Ladies first!" masih ada.

Sebagai perempuan pun kadang saya bingung.

Jadi ya gitu.

Jatinangor, 21 April 2015.
Happy Kartini Day!



*this post is written using Bahasa*

aku ingin bersamamu
karena kau merangkai kata untukku

aku ingin bersamamu
karena kau menikmati percekcokan awan hitam dan awan putih ketika hujan akan turun

aku ingin bersamamu
karena kau mendikte ku berdiri tegak agar mahkota ku tak jatuh

aku ingin bersamamu
karena kau menelanjangi keindahan dari para bedebah yang melukaiku

aku ingin bersamamu
karena ketika kau bersamaku kau berharap jarum panjang mengalami hipertensi 
dan kemudian lumpuh

dan jikalau untuk bersamamu butuh alasan

itulah alasanku

Bogor. 2010. Puisi masa smp.
Happy valentine!

P.S: My friends and i have this film festival coming, and I really need your help to watch and thumbs up the trailer for our short movie, it means a lot :)

If someday i become a director, i wanna make a movie about...


Halloooo. Sorry for the long absence, I've been... hmm i don't know what I've been doing tbh. 
As the result, today i'm going to write some stuff that i actually have written long time ago in my journal. Which was my dream movie!! I always wanna make my own movie, like i'm going to be the scriptwriter and also the director. It always sound super cool to me.
 And below I also included a representative photo in every story, so at least you get an idea what i'm talking about. Here we goo!

1. Perpetual Emotions
A 70 year old widow named Emma live in a small town in Scotland called Melrose. Her husband, Tommy, and Emma are free-spirited person. They used to be hipsters, they used to smoke pot every night, have a strong faith in humanity, wander from a country to another in their blue Volkswagen van until 5 years ago when Tommy was diagnose lung cancer, smoking habits as the doctor said. So Emma decided to stay and live in Melrose peacefully. It was until one day Sam and Danny, twenty-ish years old band members from London came to Melrose and stay next door from Emma. 

Sam is an introvert guy who has this low self-esteem and as the impact he loves to drink alcohol as a way to open up to people and there was Danny, a guy who thinks he owns the world just because many girls screaming to his names. Until one day they met Emma who has already experienced the ups and downs of this life, who knows what it feels like to be young and reckless and trying to fit in and thinking that they're the king of this world and having this emotions that they called (at that time) perpetual emotions.

And yesss i imagined Besedka Johnson as Emma (since i saw her on Starlet!), and Jack Kilmer as Sam (since i love Palo Alto), and Alex Turner as Danny (since he's cool) and I think if someday there is a movie like this it's definitely going to be my all time favourite, i mean i always love a movie when there was an old lady living the live and having this bunch of knowledge about life in her head but none listen simply because they (are young and) don't have time to slow down and listen. Such a nice reminder to be a good listener.

2. Balance
This is a film about a 15 years old girl who has this balance problem with her body, she finds it quiet hard to walk. She easily stumble and often fell when she walks. But the cool thing is, she can rollerblading very well. She wins a lot of  roller-blading competitions.

I was kinda forget how this idea came up, but i find this story interesting. What i'm trying to tell you is that sometimes when you live your life day by day, you'll find it hard and may stumble upon. But when you pass through it and look back, you'll realise that time has gone so fast, that life is actually easy and has so much fun if you just keep going.

3. I am a feminist
Augi, an 19 years old Indonesian man who is currently going to college in New York city. He took a Feminism class, which in turn change the way he sees life. Later on, he support an equal status between men&women and believe that a woman should be independent and stand up for what she believes. And the reason he did that because something from his childhood. 

Back when he was in Indonesia, his mother is a highly dependent woman. His mother studied Astronomy when she was in college but she ends up as a housewife, since in Indonesia there aren't so many job opportunities in that field. The problem is his mother has an issue, she's very consumptive, she buys things when she's sad, she buys things when she's happy, she always buys things, with Augi's dad's money. As the result Augi's dad has this 'bad' feeling of belonging toward his wife, he beats Augi's mother when he's mad and he thinks it's okay because she took his money. Augi's mother in the other side also never fight back when she's beaten, because she used his husband's money for her pleasure. Win-win situation. But not for Augi. 

4. Sex?

Its weird, but i think its very different. This movie is about a mother who has a child but when he's 2 years old he died, hit by a passing car in front of their house. Later on the mother has a paranoia. So when she gave birth to the next child and she found out that her daughter was blind, she becomes overly protective toward her daughter. The conflict began when her daughter is 8 years old and insistently asking questions about sex to her. How do you explain to a blind-8-year-old girl what is sex? how is it look like? can she touch it? how does it feel?

And that's it. 4 stories. There are actually more stories in my journal, but maybe in some other time. See you soon, fellas.

P.S: And also my friends and i have this film festival coming, and I really need your help to watch and thumbs up the trailer for our short movie, and i really appreciate and thank you a lot if you did that :)